she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
