I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
