Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
