This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
