Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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