The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
