member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
