id be glad to
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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