Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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