I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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