the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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