you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
