And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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