I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
