Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
