Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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