I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
