I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
