my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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