he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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