What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
