He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
