Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
