R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
