you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
