You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
