two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
