Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
