Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
