One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There's always time for handjobs
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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