Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
