so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
