Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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