can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I am mentally ready for anal.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
