Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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