saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
