My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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