Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
