Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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