she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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