i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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