Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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