Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
