So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
