return my video game
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
