I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
