Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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