I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
