I am in a vortex of obligation.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
