I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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