google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
